David Wallace-Wells' The Uninhabitable Earth led me to Paul Kingsnorth's essay "Dark Ecology" (as opposed to Timothy Morton's book of the same name). It got me worked up enough that I decided to repurpose this site and use it as an actual blog for actual thoughts.
I had been using this site only as a rarely-updated repository for unnecessary summaries of my off-the-clock projects, but God, how depressing is that? To work all day, leave the office, work more so that I can work for more money somewhere else, and then blog about it... Christ.
Anyway.
I haven't returned to Wallace-Wells' thoughts about Kingsnorth or his essay, but I felt as though I'd found a kindred spirit. Particularly in his response to the following:
And so I come to this point, and I ask myself: what, at this moment in history, would not be a waste of my time? And I arrive at five tentative answers.
I'll enumerate my own answers, which may touch on Kingsnorth's:
One: To Withdraw
I've felt a bit of a hermit for as long as I can recall. This is no doubt rooted in some flavor of neurodivergence. And I have a paranoid, millennarian, survivalist streak, going back to me reading a verse of Mother Shipton's in a miniature book about the unexplained that cost 99 cents at some grocery store checkout when I was, what, ten or so?
The fact of the matter is that I believe we're caught in a trap. Multiple traps operating on different levels. I believe our economy is a trap, our system of government, our religions, our technologies, our reproduction, even our storytelling. I think there might be something inescapable in human nature that leads us to progress primarily by making our traps more elaborate.
That's not to say that I think society is inherently evil or awful, or technology is, or that Good Times Create Weak Men, etc. I'm neither a eugenicist nor a social darwinist nor a primitivist. And I believe the works of humanity have some deeply positive aspects.
But ultimately, I feel powerless in the face of history, in the awful inertia of human culture.
Obviously, I'll vote. But I've long since given up on participating in the discourse, of trying to win hearts and minds, of dialoguing with the other side, or even my own side. I'm often enough confused about what my side is. When I've found what I think may be my side, I'm often repelled or rejected.
Two: To Improve My Body
I'm a cis het white man, but I'm not really gender-conforming. There's an unease with the traditional conception of masculinity. I'm not nonbinary – I don't, as a Redditor suggested, want to be an androgynous elflike being, someone in the space between David Bowie and Tilda Swinton. But a quieter, more contemplative, perhaps prettier, effete masculinity, like David Sylvian.
Lest you think I'm about to inspire Terry Bozzio to update "Punky's Whips," I'm middle-aged, morbidly obese, and generally sort of ugly. I've been morbidly obese most of my adult life. I think I have some body dysmorphia, perhaps tied to my gender nonconformity, perhaps fueled by a general ineptitude with physicality and health. I was very slender when young, but still thought I was fat. Whatever; I won't debug that now, but the fact remains that I believe my mental health and my physical health have been locked in some kind of mutual battle-to-the-death, like fossilized Protoceratops and Velociraptor, for about forty years.
I'm tired of it.
I'm on a diet now, but it feels different. So far, I've lost about ten pounds in three weeks. I'm exercising regularly. I'm walking on a daily basis. I'm more concerned with my hair, my skin, my teeth, my nails, my body. I'm recovering from, I think, a depressive phase that came on earlier this year as a result of the motion of my right shoulder being trashed by the progress of my rheumatoid arthritis. But my shoulder is looser, and so am I.
I don't see it so much as a diet, but just a routine now, something I can see myself following for the rest of my life. That's new.
Three: To Father
My son is thirteen. I may or may not live to see dramatic effects of climate change (arguably, they're already happening). I'm confident that he will. I don't know what this will entail, although Wallace-Wells is doing his best to inform me. I'm pessimistic.
I feel, and always have felt, that preserving knowledge is important. If society collapses, it is important to preserve documentation about the technology we have in some sort of organized fashion. Indeed, I'm told this was a motive for the creation of modern encyclopedias.
It has always seemed to me that if society collapses, regaining some level of technical sophistication akin to today's would be extremely challenging. We've plucked the low-hanging fruits of fossil fuels. Essentially, the only energy sources we would have would be renewable.
My son is not – or does not seem to be – interested in this sort of subject. I don't believe it's valuable to beat him over the head with it against his will. All I can hope is that A) this sort of information is never as valuable as I fear it might be, B) he develops an interest in it eventually and I can teach him, or C) he values me as a person enough that he wants to keep the books that I've accumulated at great effort and moderate expense after I pass away.
More than that, though, I need to support his continued mental, physical, and emotional growth and well-being.
Four: To Accumulate Knowledge
I've long been a datahoarder. That's fine and dandy, but I question the ultimate value. If there's an EMP blast, or prolonged electrical outage, or we have to flee our home suddenly, what good does that do? There's only so much I can store on a Kindle. There's only so long one will work.
I should have more paper books, and I should have a good idea of their content and quality. I should have an index of them, so I know which ones have good information and on which subjects. I should review potential additions prior to purchase (a good use for that Kindle, and for data hoarding!). I should stop buying books that will not provide good utility (seriously, wtf?).
I also need to apply this knowledge. I need to build things. I need to learn new skills. I need to actively and aggressively engage with this information.
I'm not delusional; I know that if society crumbles, I'll almost surely die quickly, and if I survive, I'll be far beyond miserable. After all, I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I'm not convinced of the widespread availability of DMARDs when SHTF. But perhaps I can create or compile knowledge that can help some good people to survive or improve their situation.
Five: To Engage With Life
I've always engaged in that particular kind of nihilism that denies the value of the present by constantly planning for the future. A lifestyle of premature optimization. And I have to tell myself: YAGNI! Or at least, YAGNI unless you get off your ass and actually do things.
My current activity of blogging notwithstanding.
I need to go outdoors – work outdoors. I need to... pull weeds, rake, build a birdhouse, look at the night sky, saw a deadfall tree. I need to get my hands dirty.
I think that's about it for now, but maybe I'll be back.